On Giving Up
The bar is so high! I can not reach! Strangely enough I put it up there. I've given up on this second novel business mostly because of video games. I'm 30 hours into The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess and my instinct tells me the game should be over soon but there appears to be half the game left to go. I don't know.
Anyway, the second novel that I had planned was to be in a fashion similar to some excerpts of my 2005 attempt at NaNoWriMo. I didn't get far past 1000 words on this one but I assure you, every single word is absolutely perfect and you should all attain enlightenment from reading just one of those words.
If you don't well that's just because you're a jerk. Here it is:
In the beginning, there wasn't much of anything. There were no movie theatres or bottled water or cellular telephones. There were no award ceremonies or book signings or Internet cafes. There certainly weren't any litigators, realtors, or haberdashers. It was all pretty boring, really.
Actually, that's not quite accurate. Let me start over.
In the beginning, everything that ever existed and ever would exist did so at the very center of everything in a tight ball of stuff. Outside of this ball was absolutely nothing. I know that's a little hard to fathom, nothing, but please, bear with me. After being a tight ball of everything that exists for quite some time, it exploded with fantastic fury and energy. It was quite a site to see, I can tell you this much. Afterwards, there was lots of stuff all over the place instead of just in one place. And still, there was absolutely nothing outside but the inside was much larger now. Much more comfortable. You could stretch your legs out with no worry of bumping into anyone else. This could be because there was no one else just yet but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
After the huge explosion of stuff, stuff was really really really spread out but some of the stuff wanted to be near some of the other stuff and so they got together and made bigger stuff. The bigger stuff collected more and more little stuff for ages and ages until- Sorry, still getting ahead of myself here.
So stuff exploding, that's one theory. Another theory is that there is a giant magical man who lives in this really great place. He also lives everywhere at once. This guy, he decided one day to make everything that ever existed, supposedly out of clay. And so he just sat around making stuff all the time and to be honest, I think it's a really commendable feat, creating the universe. At some point down the line, after having made a whole bunch of stuff, he decided it was time for a break and he stepped outside for a cigarette and possibly a salty snack treat. Little did he know that as soon as he left, the most wonderful things started to happen!
We'll get to all that wonderful stuff in just a moment.
There are many people who feel that the first theory is the only good theory and that anyone who thinks otherwise is just a big dumb. Then there are more people who think the very same thing about the second theory. And so here we are, everyone thinking everyone else is stupid. Let's face it; it's probably an accurate description. Personally, I believe that it was the-
Well, let's not get into that. This isn't about me. This is about you!
So, where should I begin?
Ah, yes. In the beginning...
A brief note before we really dig into the meat of this thing that we are presently working upon. Many of my detractors have questioned my credibility in the subject matter of which our discourse consists. Well I can tell you without a doubt that they are the ones whose credibility, reliability, and education should come into question. I am a world-renowned novelist whose works have crossed the globe dozens of times over and won acclaim from the harshest of critics. What have they done? Nothing I imagine.
So please, if for a moment you feel as if the things I write about are in any way, shape, or form deviating in the slightest bit from what is generally considered the truth, just shut up.
It is a difficult thing to write about a series of events that occurred eons before sentient life could have possibly existed. Well, difficult for anyone aside from myself, I suppose.
One could say that nothing very interesting happened after the creation of the universe (or birth of the universe, whichever you choose to believe) but that is mostly the opinion of the small minded who think that anything that does not relate back to themselves in any way is of little to no consequence to everyone in question. I think it is obvious now that the truth is as such: Nothing really interesting happened between the birth of everything that exists and the present.
It would be easy for me to go on and on about the formation of the planet upon which we reside. And so I will.
A long time after the fiery expulsion of matter and space into the rest of nothingness, one particular clump of stuff began to form in a particularly unexciting part of the vastness of the universe. It wasn't much more than a clump of dirt and rocks to begin with and not much has changed.
It was quite some time (a few days, at the very most a week) before this inconsequential ball of filth grew to the size that it is today. Jealous of this rocks girth, smaller and obviously bitter bits of dirt began to run themselves into the planet in a suicidal attempt to make something of their otherwise pitiful meaningless existence. One of these small jealous planets happened to contain a large concentration of a very peculiar substance. This substance, without which the entirety of our civilization would not exist, rained down upon us like a fiery gift from a vengeful omnipotent being whose sole purpose in life was to create utterly terrible situations for which we would have to work our way out of.
As this substance began to fill our planet, literally choking it nearly to death, it was then that the benevolent creator of all things threw down his scepter at our world. A bolt of lighting shot from the very tips of his tentacles and struck the dread god whose name cannot be expressed through our pitiful means of communication. This lighting struck him in the most unmentionable places and it angered him so. It angered him so much that he let out bellow so loud that the planet on which he sat shattered into so many pieces that they could not be counted by the greatest counter of all time, Leopold Shrevsky. Poor Leo would look upon the shards of this once majestic planet and shed tears of defeat by numbers so large, his fragile mind deflated and imploded at the sheer thought of trying to comprehend the ways in which he might be able to begin thinking about understanding the number.
The dread god whose name cannot be expressed through our pitiful means of communication took it upon himself to recreate the world that he destroyed beneath his very foot cups. Aiding him in this endeavor was the miracle substance that continued to fall upon the remains of the planet.
This wondrous substance that I speak of is of course what we now call rainbows.
It has been well documented by all of the sciences that rainbows are the most potent source of power and magic in all the universe. Sadly, most of it was used up by the dread god whose name cannot be expressed through out pitiful means of communication when he put the planet back together. It is for that reason that they are only visible during certain parts of the day and certain times of the year. They are unpredictable and hard to find. Few have been able to harness this great power for this very reason and those that are able to become insanely jealous of people trying to steal this power of them. They become extremely reclusive and turn to wearing clothes made of grass.
But I digress.
The power of the rainbow is well known, particularly in our galaxy where certain planets use the power of rainbows to power the entire planet. Perhaps these planets are closer than one might think maybe.